An emotional week

Last Friday was Baby B’s 6 month check up. I hate giving my babies shots so I was not looking forward to her appointment, but I was extra concerned this time as Baby B had petechia after her last vaccines. After discussing my concerns her Dr said we couldn’t do shots because it was a couple days short of two months since her last vaccine and that she wanted to do some investigating before we made a vaccination plan. I am delighted that we have a Dr that really listens to our concerns but I left a little worried because she seemed concerned as well. We are going to have a blood test on Baby B and wait on anymore vaccines for a bit.

I’m ok with this plan for Baby B but I still find myself worrying that we might find something is really wrong with her. Although I pray that Baby B is A O K, I can’t help but worry about worse case scenarios. I actually don’t even know what the petechia may indicate. Basically, I’m not even sure what I’m worried about! Health concerns in little ones are awful and I pray for every family going through any type of health issue.

Then this morning I felt a lump in my breast. Breast cancer terrifies me. Honestly, it causes so much anxiety in me that I change the channel or turn off the tv if people are talking about it! My mom had breast cancer when she was only 34 so I am aware that I am at a heightened risk of also getting it.

Since becoming a mom I am afraid of something happening where I could no longer be there for my girls. I am sure this is a very normal fear for any mother. Anytime that something seems off with my breasts frightens me. I’ve been battling a plugged duct for the past month but this morning I felt around and there is definitely a lump in there. I’ve been thinking that my armpit lymph node might also be a little enlarged for the past couple of days as well. I very much hope that it is nothing or some kind of breastfeeding problem but I am scared.

I cried off and on all morning thinking about my babies and how I don’t want them to have to go through any thing scary and stressful. I made a Dr appointment for Friday. Then, as I was remembering how I felt when my mom was battling breast cancer I actually felt a little relief.

My memories are all good! I was ten when my mom went through it and I just remember skipping school on chemo days and eating cookies, drinking hot chocolate, playing board games, the nurse with blue hair, and family time. I don’t remember being worried about my mom except for when she had surgery. I don’t remember her being sick, even though she lost her hair. If there is a sickness now or in the future I hope to have the strength and positivity of my mom!

I am praying for health all around in our house and in all of the houses. I am praying for health in your house, too.

Sometimes you feel like a rockstar

Do you ever have those moments or days where no matter how challenging it is you just know you can do it? It might even be that you HAVE to do it but you still go into it confident, knowing that in a matter of time you will be looking back on the challenge with a proud smile? I had one of those moments today.

The Hubby is usually the chef in our house but he was working hard painting the house, so I made a gourmet dinner (of spaghetti). This might not sound hard but we were ending a too-fun-weekend of aunty and five year old cousin visiting: we were all exhausted! So exhausted that Little A fell asleep and I had to pick her up and throw her around and dance with her to get her to wake up!

So I started boiling the water and put Little A in the bathtub (I guess I felt so good I figured I could add an obstacle ). Baby B wouldn’t let me set her down so she was my helper. I had to go potty with Baby B in my arms. The Hubby walked in, he was impressed. Both of the girls cried, it was definitely a challenge but dinner was made and eaten.

The actual accomplishment was small, I know, but it felt huge today. I love the feeling of being a rock star at being a mom.

God’s Time

Like many others, I’m sure, I have spent a lot of time planning, dreaming, hoping, and praying for the future. But sometimes I don’t know what I am planning, dreaming, hoping, and praying for. Sometimes God’s plan is not my plan. God’s plan is always better.

We had been married for two years when The Hubby finally agreed to try to have a baby, I had been waiting for him to get on my page for the whole two years! I was so disappointed when it took us six months to conceive. (I realize that this is nothing compared to the struggles that many face while trying to conceive.) We were praying and dreaming of a sweet baby but God knew the timing wasn’t quite right. I applied for a new position in my company that I really wanted in February and two days before my interview I found out I was pregnant. I can’t say how things would have been if we had gotten pregnant that first month but I would have been six months pregnant applying for a position I had wanted for years. God knew what was best for our family, with that position I received a raise, better commute, and more flexibility (perfect for Doctor appointments).

While I was on maternity leave The Hubby was thinking about switching companies. I really felt like a new baby was a big enough change and asked him to wait. It was something he really felt he needed to do and when the baby was six months old he made the change. The new job was so much better for our family that I was able to quite work and stay home with Little A! God was pushing The Hubby to do it because it would be a bigger blessing than we could understand!

Fast forward two years and we were considering some more big decisions. I was eight months pregnant with Baby B and we were meeting with a builder, considering building and moving to a small town three hours away. We know like ten people in a fifty mile radius of this town and we were honestly going to say goodbye to hubby ‘s good job and our family and friends. Then we were notified (or God intervened!) The Hubby would have to move over there for a month before we could start building and building would be another six months! That would be seven months of not having a house, as we would have to sell before we moved. With a baby on the way I told hubby we could do it but let’s have Baby B before we do anything too crazy.

The Hubby doesn’t like to let go of an idea once it is in his head. He started looking for other options and found a perfect piece of property for sell just outside of the town we lived in. He made some phone calls and determined we could purchase it and sell our house a little later. Still very pregnant, within two weeks of the due date, I again asked him to wait! I had one thing on my mind: having this baby! He drove up to look at the property, again, and stopped by his grandpa’s on the way home to get his opinion on the property.

Grandpa, usually the idea encourager, asked The Hubby to wait to make the decision. Grandpa was in the process of building a house (the foundation was poured) and he was waiting for test results because he may have cancer. He told The Hubby that he may want to sell to us. He did have cancer and he did sell to us. Thankfully, God gave us the obstacles on moving out of town so that we were able to purchase from The Hubby’s Grandparents.

Of course, building the house that The Hubby’s grandparents have dreamed of for years is not easy. It is very bittersweet, as we are so excited and so thankful but also very much wish that they were building the house. I believe that our new house will serve as a daily reminder that God has a plan, a big plan, that we may not understand today or even tomorrow. But God has a plan, it is in His hands!

The Biting Incident

The hubby is currently working nights and I HATE it when his schedule changes. There are so many reasons why the schedule changes bug me but that’s a boring story. I’m not sure if every family has rough evenings or if that’s just us? But evenings are usually the time for meltdowns, tantrums, broken hearts, you get the idea… Surviving evenings without him is even harder.

Tonight I was starting a simple meal (because, well, I’m not a chef, we are living in a trailer, I have two littles, and the hubby is working) and Baby B was chilling in her bouncy seat while Little A lovingly loaded her up with toys and blankets. Until Baby B started screaming! I frantically asked Liittle A what happened and she said “I bit her finger”! (Love it that Little A doesn’t know about lying yet!)

Why would my sweet, perfect little toddler bite her innocent baby sister’s finger? I don’t know and neither does she. Thankfully, Little A started crying hysterically and Baby B stopped crying, so I knew Baby B’s finger was going to be ok. Little A said she was sad because she didn’t want to have a time out but she really loved on her sister when she apologized, so I think (and hope) that there were also some tears for her sister’s pain and suffering.

This also left me worried that Little A is going to be a big bully to her sister. I tried to google “toddler picking on baby” to make sure this is normal and we don’t need to start counseling but all of the results were about toddlers picking their noses! Google, you failed me. We ate dinner and both of the girls fell asleep before 8 on the couch, giving mommy a nice little break time!

Country life update

Tomorrow will be six weeks of living in our shrinking camping trailer. It’s feeling smaller as the days turn to fall and we spend more time inside. We watch a lot of movies and I’m trying to think of some small activities to do inside.

We have a rough schedule that we follow but Baby B now only sleeps when mommy holds her. We are working on that but haven’t gotten very far. Daddy has been working a lot, which means mommy is working a lot. We are all a little tired and I think starting to get tired of the trailer life. Tiny house living is in fact not for us.

Unfortunately, we are going to be enjoying the trailer life for at least three more months. Agh! Three months sounds like forever!

We will be packing up and taking our trailer house and family hunting shortly, so that will at least provide a new setting for a little while. We love walking around the house and seeing it develop. I’m hoping that watching this process will show Little A how much work goes into building a house and teach her that it is a blessing. But she is a couple months short of three and probably won’t realize that. We are close to the half way mark, we’ll hang in there!

Waking up

Bang, bang, bang bang bang, bang. I open my eyes, reminded that out there, the world is still moving. People are working, eating, living. Baby B in my arms rapidly shakes her head looking for milk. My gift to her. She lies back down, relieved that she is still in my arms.

Next to me is Little A squished into her little nest on the edge of the bed. She is beautiful. Angel-like in her sleep, an amazing mixture of her father and I. I love waking up with the my two blessings from God.

Without getting out of bed, so I don’t disturb the precious little ones’ sleep, I watch out the corner of the window that I can see from bed. Eventually I see someone on the roof of the new house. Ah, the roofers are here. Bang. Bang.

This is bliss. In bed, snuggled with my greatest blessings. But coffee is calling me and I worry about our schedule if I don’t wake the babies. The ultimate decision: get up and they too will surely wake or enjoy the peace and the bang, bang, bang.

Sisters

When we found out that we were pregnant with our second baby we were really hoping to have a boy. (Baby B if you are reading this some day don’t stop here, keep reading!) Our first, Little A, is a girl and we didn’t (and don’t) plan on having more than two kids so we were hoping to have one of each gender. My hubby is a hunter, fisherman, hiker, he loves everything outdoorsy and he really wanted to be able to share those hobbies with a son. I had one little princess and was hoping the hubby would get his little buddy too.

I went to the ultrasound appointment pretty sure that it was a boy. I had morning sickness the second time and really just felt different about this pregnancy. When the ultrasound tech told me it was a girl I asked him how long he had been doing this and how sure he was? He had been in the job for 20+years and was pretty sure.

But as I sat in that dark little room I fell in love with my second little girl. I was thrilled to give Little A a sister. A best friend forever, just like my sister is to me. As I rubbed my belly I thought of the special connection our girls would have.

The memories I have with my sister only made me more excited to have two girls. Throughout our lives we have always had each other, from when we were little and we held hands to fall asleep. When we were older and we felt like our parents or friends were against us we still had each other. We understand each other more than any other person could because we lived the same childhood, shared and stole friends, grew together (and at times grew apart), and even had the same job. We know when to stop talking to keep the tears in check and we know when to start talking to protect the sister. I’m thrilled to give the gift of a sister to my daughter.

As for my husband, he loves taking Little A for four wheeler rides. He brings her outside to help him clean up the house construction and at two years old she is learning to be a helper, to work hard, to take pride in her work, and that she can do the same work that her dad, a man, does. I’m looking forward to hunting season when she helps daddy hunt. I am betting that both of the girls will grow up to be Daddy’s girls.

It is most wonderful to watch our littles grow together. Little A is so in love with her sister that most of the time she can’t handle her overflowing love emotions. Baby B is so interested in her big sis that she will watch her and just laugh at her. It is amazing to watch them grow together and I’m blessed to be a part of their childhood.

A busy but not busy day

Today was one of those days where nothing big happened but there was enough little excitement to make you want bed time to come a little earlier. The day started out normal enough, I had the usual not wanting to get out of bed feeling because I slept like a newborn and because it’s cold outside of the covers. The Hubby went grocery shopping (this is usual and yes he is amazing), and brought home a surprise for Little A; a Finding Dory coloring book with markers. Little A’s first markers. We learned she is not quite ready for markers.

In a dash to get outside with a blankie that mommy said to leave inside Little A managed to open the trailer door for the first time. As I changed Baby B’s diaper Little A summersaulted out the door, down the three foot tall metal steps and landed on the plastic rug covered gravel. Thankfully Little A had a couple little scratches but no bumps or bruises. After the fear and tears went away she was back to her normal adorable self.

Today was also the day that Baby B’s bassinet was retired. It was at least a month overdue but the bassinet fit so well in the trailer and for some reason I am scared she won’t sleep as well if I change her sleeping arrangements (this is silly because the longest stretch she slept in her bassinet last night was two hours, can it get worse?). While the pack n play is humongous in the trailer, it seems that Baby B enjoys playing in it. I hope that she also loves sleeping in it.

The hubby also managed to get the ceiling mounted range set up in the new house. Yay for house stuff getting done and yay for a handy husband.

K. Dinner then getting ready for bed and trying to get Little A in bed early.

Things Parenthood is Teaching Me

In no particular order and to be continued, as I am learning more every day.

1. You don’t need sleep. Well, you need it but not as much as you think. You can survive on very little for very long. You might be a little crazy and you may feel like you left your brain at the hospital but you will manage. And don’t keep track of how many hours you are sleeping, seriously it’s just depressing so stop.
2. Love. There is so much and as a parent you get to experience it in very new ways (wiping up poo and spit up but also those precious baby snuggles). With baby #2 there is even more, don’t worry about running out, you have much more love than you know.
3. Coffee is a very good motivator. There have been so many mornings that I felt like I need about eight more hours of sleep to feel slightly refreshed but I remembered there was coffee in the kitchen and I crawled out of bed with the baby in my arms.
4. Facebook in the middle of the night can be awkward. Facebook was always there to keep me company when I had a sleeping baby in my arms and could barely peel my eyes open. I recall after little A was born and I was on my lunch break scrolling through my pictures and came across a picture of a family I didn’t know. Seriously, I didn’t know a single person in the picture and the only way it could have gotten there was if I downloaded it from Facebook in my sleep or almost sleep. I have also awoken to messages that my friend requests had been accepted (even from people I didn’t know!). Hmm I wonder how many friend requests were not accepted?
5. There are so many sacrifices. They should actually change the name “parent” to “sacrificer ” because that is what it’s all about (that and the hokey pokey). Nothing is on your terms. Your life begins to revolve around your little beings whether you admit it or not.
6. BUT you MUST learn to put yourself first sometimes. Like when the baby is sad but you are starving, grab a snack before you pick up the baby. She may fall asleep and you may put eating off for hours. Don’t be like that, your needs are also important.
7. It won’t last forever. None of it. When you have tried EVERYTHING and your little newborn won’t stop crying just remember that they will stop, eventually. It might seem silly but I know that it comforted me when I had an unhappy baby to remind myself that she wouldn’t still be crying next week, tomorrow, or in a couple of hours. Also, some day they won’t want to snuggle so sometimes let yourself snuggle them without feeling guilty about the dishes, laundry, and all of those other not fun things.
8. The second baby is much easier and the toddler is more difficult. You’ve already had a baby, you got this. But your first child is inevitably in a new stage to you and figuring out how to adapt is the hard part. Plus the first baby is having a massive life change.
9. Breaks are so very important for everyone! You need a break, your spouse needs a break, and the kids need breaks. Make time for them even if your break is just taking a kid free shower, you will be a better parent/ spouse/ person afterwards.

To be continued…

Day 10 in the country

Do you believe in love at first sight? I’m not sure about love at first sight but I do know that every day that we live on this property I love it more. I have been excited about making this little hill our home since the beginning but I love this hill more every day. I love the trees, the house, the view, watching The hubby and A work outside, the dreams I have of our future here, the little creek that is right out of my childhood dreams, and being close to the hubby’s amazing grandparents. This little adventure is filled with sacrifices for our family but it helps being right here on the hill where we can watch our new home come to life.

It is hard living in a camping trailer with a family of four. I’m pretty sure that the trailer is the same size as our future master bedroom. There are many things we are reminded to not take for granted; long hot showers (or showers long enough to shave), baths, being able to set baby B down where little A can’t reach her, privacy, storage space, having a place for your stuff, gourmet meals, being able to have visitors, sleeping on real mattresses, children sleeping in their own rooms, space, space, and space. I’m sure there is so much more that I’m forgetting but tiny house living is actually nice in some ways.

The closeness of our family is wonderful, we don’t have the option to not be together. We can all cram on to our undersized love seat and watch movies and we don’t feel guilty that we need to clean the house because we only have 250 sq ft to clean! It really isn’t so bad and I am in love with the property but I’m still eager for the next stage in our adventure: moving in. Only about four more months!