Joy and Guilt

We have finally moved in to the new house. In so many ways it feels like it has been a long process but in reality it has been very quick, at just about 6 months. I am overjoyed to have all of the benefits of a house. Space, the ability to shower and bathe the children with ease, the feeling of cleanliness and lack of clutter, being able to set Baby B down without the worry that she might roll three feet to the floor, and so many more.

I am ecstatic to have a beautiful home that so many people put many many hours in to, in order to complete it. I absolutely love the peaceful setting and country land we are blessed to live on. I’m excited to make it our own little home.
However, with every little feeling of joy there is also guilt, sadness, confusion, and curiosity.

Guilt that I am enjoying someone else’s dream. Something that they spent YEARS fighting and planning for, while we stepped in and spent months. Guilt that so many are affected negatively by what brings us joy.

Sadness for so many reasons. That my grandparents in law are not living here. That they have so many battles that they are currently fighting. That they are watching us live their dream. And, honestly, a little sadness that this isn’t a completely joyful experience for us, but life is funny.

Confusion and worries about who and why the situation is effecting others. I don’t know how all of our extended family feels but I sense that there are some hard feelings. I understand why, but so wish they weren’t there. I am hopeful that time will heal.

I am so curious about God’s plan. If I only look at our story I love God’s plan but when I look at the whole picture I can’t help but wonder why? It is hard to imagine that all of the battles will work themselves out peacefully but I have to trust in God’s plan. I hope to some day understand but know that we may never.

It is a treat to wake up in a house, a home every morning. I love it here and can’t wait to see how our lives change over the next six months (but I also fear it)!


Another day in the trailer life

“Mommmmm eeeeee” then whimper and crying sounds. I open my eyes, remember where I am. Dwell for six seconds on the unfairness of my toddler waking me up at 7:34am, when the baby has been waking me every 30-45 minutes since 3am. Put on my happy-good-morning-mommy voice and smile.

“What’s wrong? Come snuggle with me.”

Little A enters, and climbs on to the bed. Carefully maneuvering so that it doesn’t look like she is trying to wake her (for once) sleeping sister. Loudly tells me how she was scared of the bed and has been awake for a long time…

Twenty minutes later; I have convinced Little A that she does want to eat breakfast, now, not later. As I stand at the sink washing my hands the water abruptly stops. It’s freezing outside. The pipes are frozen. Call The Hubby and add another problem to his list or wait and see if it gets better? Call the hubby. He says hopefully it will thaw out throughout the day.

Thankfully (I hope) we are going Christmas shopping and won’t even notice our lack of water. We load up in my mom’s car and head to the shopping center, 45 minutes away. Baby B starts crying fifteen minutes in and doesn’t stop. I continually ask Little A if she feels ok because she is prone to getting car sick and I’m obsessed with preventing it (only proven way=stay home). She doesn’t get sick. We feed the baby then shop.

In the Target check out line the woman in front of me says “I’m just in a hurry to pick my kids up from school.” When the cashier asked what her plans were for the rest of the day were. He responded “they get out at 12?” Go cashier. You got her. She is making you, herself, and even ME feel rushed and you called her out. She should slow down and I appreciate that you are actively listening to your customers!

A couple more stops then eventually back home to the trailer. The water is still frozen. The best Hubby Ever fills thirty gallons of water and hauls it to the trailer so that we have some water. His jobs never end. Then he goes and works on the house until 9pm.

Bedtime. When hubby gets up for work at 3am he goes out to switch the propane tanks, as it’s empty and we now are only blowing cold air, it’s twenty degrees out.

We knew this would be a challenge. I don’t think we understood how hard some aspects would be but we didn’t understand how wonderful other parts would be. As I write, the counters and granite are being installed. I can’t contain my excitement to move into the house. (Of course I would love it even more if it were my husband’s grandparents moving in, rather than us!) I believe that we will look back on our adventure in the trailer fondly.

I think most of all I will miss the physical closeness of our little family. I will learn from the very relaxed standards that we have held while living in here and try to let our standards slide at times. Little A just said to me “I ate a cereal off the floor but it was clean.” The same floor I smashed a bug on yesterday and the same floor I rarely mop. But it is okay, and it will be okay in the new house too. I hope you eat some cereal off the floor and I hope that woman at target does too.

It is snowing!