Going places with littles

I love having plans and doing something where we get to get out of the house. Then, when I’m about five minutes into getting ready I remember that I have two little kids and the task of leaving home is so exhausting that by the time I get anywhere I am ready to go home.

Yesterday we went shopping with my mom and sister. Although I love shopping and I don’t get to go very often, by the time we got there I wasn’t feeling it. The shopping trip went well, both girls refrained from crying and I found what I was looking for.

Next, the car ride home. Baby B cried the entire thirty minutes home. I thought she would fall asleep but she just cried and cried. Little A whined and begged for the blanket that Baby B was using until she cried too and fell asleep.

When we got to my mom’s house I took Baby B in, worried something was wrong but she was happy the instant I took her from the car seat. My mom brought Little A in and she was a crying mess from being woken up. Ugh. Really, can I catch a break?

I needed to run to the store so I left Baby B with my mom, loaded Little A up, and went to the closest convenience store. As I was carrying Little A in, I realized her diaper was leaking. So we went back to the car and did what any good mom would do: we tied a sweatshirt around her waist.

Sometimes I feel like I either suck at being a mom or other people are really good at making it look easy. But I probably looked like I was rocking it too while we were shopping. Am I good at making it look easy too? Either way, I think we will just resort to online holiday shopping for now.

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The waiting room

Have you ever been in a situation or location where you felt a strong connection to strangers? Yesterday I had my ultrasound appointment to check the lump I found in my breast. This appointment was at a specialty imaging clinic and apparently it is a very busy clinic.

I was shocked when I walked in, mom, and babies in tow, to find a completely full waiting room at 9:45 on a Wednesday! Now, this waiting room had strangers sitting right next to each other, the courtesy seat in between was not an option. There were so many people that many had to stand!

As I nervously waited for my 10am appointment I felt connected to the others in the room. Maybe it was because I was both hungry and thirsty or maybe it was because they were an hour behind schedule? But I really felt a surreal connection to these other nervous waiters.

I didn’t talk to anyone (other than the woman who asked if there was a plug in in the play area and then walked away cussing when I said no) but I really wanted to. I wanted to share my worries and explore theirs. I wanted to tell them that it would work out for them and that we could support each other.

As I sat waiting for the results of my ultrasound I was scared, terrified, actually. I was fighting tears, willing myself to not cry until I had a real reason to. When she came back and told me that everything was normal I had so much relief. As I left that little room, I said a prayer for my friends in the waiting room that I never got to meet, that they too may leave with that same feeling of relief.

Three

You were still in my tummy three years ago. It was the day you were due to arrive but you didn’t make an appearance. Five days later you finally arrived. You made me a mommy. I am so thankful for that.

As I hold you, cuddling you to sleep, I am amazed by the many ways you have grown, but also by how babylike you are still. I rarely get to cuddle with you anymore and soon you won’t snuggle up with me anymore. I just want to hold you tight and squish you up when you try to grow. But I’m also extremely excited to see you become a big girl, a teenager, a young woman, and some day maybe a mommy or a chef or an engineer. I can’t wait to see you become more of you.

I so wish I could be everything for you. Because you are everything to me.

How sweet and silly you are in the mornings makes me so excited for you to wake up. I actually can’t wait for you to wake up in the mornings. I love the way you love your sister. It is an over the top, very squeezey love, but it is pure love. I’m so proud of how smart you are, even when you don’t want to listen to my “lessons “.

Thank you for being my little girl, so interested in the world around you. You are so adorable but also gorgeous on the inside. Thanks for letting me learn to be a mommy while you take on life.

Give A Smile

Attitudes are so important. That’s obvious but today I had a reminder of why that is. Today I had my breast lump dr visit and then a trip to the hospital to get baby B’s blood drawn. I have been so scared and worried about this darn lump. I checked in for my appointment this morning and the receptionist was nice. Seriously nothing over the top but she just seemed happy and like I wasn’t bothering her. It is so silly but at that time, she was exactly what I needed.

Then, the nurse who came out to get me was sweet and carried Baby B’s car seat for me and held Baby B during my exam. I know this is little but it was so helpful to me and meant a lot. The Dr was kind, and made me feel less worried. I just appreciate people being nice so much.

Next I carried Baby B, her car seat, and an over filled diaper bag over to the hospital. The sweet lady that checked us in was just so genuinely kind. It made me so happy to be helped by another kind person. The lab orders weren’t in their system (not her fault) but she took care of it as if it were. She kept checking in with me while she was waiting for the orders and was just an all around positive energy in that waiting area.

The waiting area was also blessed with another patient that certainly leaves his fun little mark wherever he goes. Despite holding a ziplock bag filled with prescriptions and waiting for another test he was lighting up the room with his over the top happiness. He told me he wanted Baby B to wake up so he could smell her little baby feet. He was just such a bright person in a dreary place.

The phlebotomist girls were also kind and helpful even through a crying baby with hard to get to veins.

It was a simple trip, one that many others make every day. But this trip was special because every person I met was kind, positive, and doing their best. I didn’t encounter any negative and I can only imagine how energized and loved we would all feel if every interaction with strangers was so special. Let’s all make sure to give a stranger a smile today!

An emotional week

Last Friday was Baby B’s 6 month check up. I hate giving my babies shots so I was not looking forward to her appointment, but I was extra concerned this time as Baby B had petechia after her last vaccines. After discussing my concerns her Dr said we couldn’t do shots because it was a couple days short of two months since her last vaccine and that she wanted to do some investigating before we made a vaccination plan. I am delighted that we have a Dr that really listens to our concerns but I left a little worried because she seemed concerned as well. We are going to have a blood test on Baby B and wait on anymore vaccines for a bit.

I’m ok with this plan for Baby B but I still find myself worrying that we might find something is really wrong with her. Although I pray that Baby B is A O K, I can’t help but worry about worse case scenarios. I actually don’t even know what the petechia may indicate. Basically, I’m not even sure what I’m worried about! Health concerns in little ones are awful and I pray for every family going through any type of health issue.

Then this morning I felt a lump in my breast. Breast cancer terrifies me. Honestly, it causes so much anxiety in me that I change the channel or turn off the tv if people are talking about it! My mom had breast cancer when she was only 34 so I am aware that I am at a heightened risk of also getting it.

Since becoming a mom I am afraid of something happening where I could no longer be there for my girls. I am sure this is a very normal fear for any mother. Anytime that something seems off with my breasts frightens me. I’ve been battling a plugged duct for the past month but this morning I felt around and there is definitely a lump in there. I’ve been thinking that my armpit lymph node might also be a little enlarged for the past couple of days as well. I very much hope that it is nothing or some kind of breastfeeding problem but I am scared.

I cried off and on all morning thinking about my babies and how I don’t want them to have to go through any thing scary and stressful. I made a Dr appointment for Friday. Then, as I was remembering how I felt when my mom was battling breast cancer I actually felt a little relief.

My memories are all good! I was ten when my mom went through it and I just remember skipping school on chemo days and eating cookies, drinking hot chocolate, playing board games, the nurse with blue hair, and family time. I don’t remember being worried about my mom except for when she had surgery. I don’t remember her being sick, even though she lost her hair. If there is a sickness now or in the future I hope to have the strength and positivity of my mom!

I am praying for health all around in our house and in all of the houses. I am praying for health in your house, too.